I want old aros so badly. I want a history. I want a future. I want tales of lives that I understand. I want to see myself in a future where I’m happy and comfortable.
But I don’t have that, so I’ll have to build it.
I’ve got a story!
When I told my grandmother’s friend group about aromanticism most of them didn’t understand, they were polite and asked a lot of questions, some didn’t really believe it bc well, people in their 70s are rarely that open minded; but there was this one lady that looked pensive and when the others quieted down she asked me if the name for it had existed long, and when I said no she told me about her best friend:
A 74 year old woman who had married young, back when my country was in a fascist dictatorship and women couldn’t have/make their own money, so their only hope was marriage. They lived together years, and I’m not sure if they had children, but as soon as it was legal for her to divorce she did, and, living in a small town, she faced her neighbours’ questions and judgement: Was he a bad husband? Did he cheat or treat her badly? Was it the other way around? He wasn’t “man enough”? And many less nice things.
Her answer to all of them was that her now ex husband was a wonderful man, and that they’d remain friends as they’d always been, because on her side that’s all there could be, because she didn’t find it in herself to love, not him nor any man or woman, but still cared deeply for him as she did for all her friends.
She now lives happily in retirement, traveling around the country with her friends, ex husband included, and also has a cat.
When the lady told me this she sounded doubtful at first, afraid she was appropiating but when I told her that the experience sounded like those on our community she looked so happy, and kindly asked me to write down the terms and what they mean on a paper so she could show her friend when she went back home, tell her that she wasn’t alone that there were more people who had united and have a name and are fighting to be recognised.
That day I realised something: That there are more of us than we know about, that in this age of information many of the older generation were still estranged from the net and among them there are aromantic people too. And that for those people who have probably felt other and wrong most of their lives, the knowledge of the label and community, the confirmed existence of others like them that feel it’s important enough to recognise that feeling or lack thereof, can be just as healing, reassuring and important as it was for us, the newer generation who stumbled upon the term on the internet when we were teens.
The internet is great, of course, but if we want to find the older aros de have to look for them, because they most surely haven’t found themselves in that label yet either. And to do so we must share our terms and experiences and shout to the world that we exist outside the screens, that we are real. I know it can be risky or even dangerous but if we wish to find them, and hopefully make them a bit happier, it’s all we can do.
TL,DR: There are old aros out there, we just have to find them by spreading our visibility, not only for us, but for them too.
this makes me so happy to hear! thank you for sharing
I’ve been a member of the National Trust this year which looks after loads of amazing buildings and country houses in the UK and makes them available for the public to visit.
As economic circumstances changed throughout the 20th century and the families who had owned these places for many generations could no longer maintain them, many of them fell derelict, were sold off in bits, or sold to become entirely private establishments.
To end up in the care of the National Trust, these buildings generally needed someone around from about 1950-1980 who cared an awful lot about history and heritage, and who wasn’t all that bothered about Preserving the Family Lineage.
I’ve noticed that a lot of times these people:
Didn’t marry, but perhaps lived with siblings or had a wide social circle - the adoptive aunt or uncle to all their friends.
Had the time and resources to study conservation and interior design.
Sometimes it does seem that they might have had same-sex partners, but just as often they give me the vibes of someone who wasn’t interested in marriage, had the wealth and social standing that it was ok for them not to, and so they pursued their passions and happiness elsewhere. As an asexual person I found myself looking at them and feeling like they were part of my history.
Like someone give me a big country home and I’ll spend the next 40 years lovingly restoring it before bequeathing it to the nation, that sounds rad.
(This is my “queer people are responsible for England’s national heritage” argument. )
Knowing a fic author through AO3 is like attending someone’s thesis presentation and politely clapping at the end, knowing a fic author through this hellsite is like going over to their house at 3AM to watch them eat mayonnaise out of a jar
Sometimes I attend somebody’s thesis presentation and I’m so impressed that I follow them home to watch them eat mayonnaise out of a jar at 3am.
Sometimes I watch someone eat mayonnaise out of a jar at 3am with such fervour I am compelled to attend their thesis presentation
31 years old, white, cis woman, aromantic asexual. She/her.
2NE1, Arashi, Big Bang, Cabin Pressure and John Finnemore's Souvenir Programme, Comics, Jupiter Ascending, Pacific Rim, werewolves, various Star things, languages, assorted other stuff.
I try to tag things, but if you want me to tag for anything specifically please feel free to ask!!!
